so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
