i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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