You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
