She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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