Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
