so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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