I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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