ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
