tell your sister to shave her snatch
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
