Are we in a gay sports bar?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
