She's JV to your varsity
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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