I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
