So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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