He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
