Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
