it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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