it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
