I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
