so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
