had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
