He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
