Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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