just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
