4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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