i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
