Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
