im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I need a burrito and a hug.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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