his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
