god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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