Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
