Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
pop tarts are not kleenex
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
