i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
