Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
