I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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