It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
