I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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