I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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