I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
