I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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