90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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