I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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