last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
