i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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