That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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