Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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