I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
