I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
