guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
