watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
