Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Your cock deserves a montage
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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