I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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