im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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