She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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