Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
