this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
